76ers Clutch Theories

Now hold on. I want to make one thing clear here. I take my name “The Writing Clown” very seriously. Today, I’ll be focused on the clown part. We’re going to look at all the possible scenarios as to why the Sixers have issues in the clutch. If you’re looking for in depth stuff, you’re at the wrong place. I’m not going there because I have already gone there. This is more illogical.

Let’s be real here. There’s nothing more to say about this team. As bloggers and writers, we have written post, after post talking about these problems. And nothing has change. Why even bother repeating ourselves? You can read a previous post and link it to the current game. It’s that bad. I think we need a fresh new look so I’m working on a mini-series that should show up later this week. Again, these Sixers have been brutal in the 4th. It’s almost to the point where we should only watch the first 36 minutes of the game and then turn the TV off. End the night on a high note.

I am moving on from this foolishness and I think it’s important to do that. Dwelling on it only makes us feel that more frustrated. So try to sit back and relax as I really turn on my exaggeration and sarcastic machine into high gear.

Remember I did a post similar to this? It was about why Spencer Hawes was playing so well in the beginning of the season. I was pretty much convinced that he (in the words of Sean) “Space Jammed” Elton Brand’s talents, as Elton was looking bad out there. The new found talents were too much for Spencer’s body and therefore, he ended up injured. Once he went down with the injury, Elton started playing better, as if his talent returned.

If you think that previous paragraph was crazy, wait till you see what I come up with for the clutch problems. Again, I’m trying to lighten the mood here because watching these games hurt and are so frustrating. So, let’s begin.

1,000 Ways to Lose

There’s a TV show called 1,000 Ways to Die that comes on Spike TV. I watch that show regularly. It’s about people that die some wacky and crazy deaths. Most of the time the victims are idiots or big jerks so you kinda get that “they deserved it” effect. Anyway, Sixers are trying to compete with that but in losing fashion. And at this point, when I watch the show I’m always thinking “how many ways can people die?” And it’s the same with the Sixers. You don’t think they can lose but they find a way against all odds to pull it off. And it’s original every time. Spike TV needs to pick this team up for a season or two. Gosh.

“I dare you…”

Maybe it’s like some sort of bet going on. “I dare you to lose.” Or maybe a contest. Yeah, that’s it, a contest. “I can make more jumpers than you!” Yes, perhaps they have money riding on the game? Ok, probably not but something has to be the reason for the sudden change.

Everybody has to pee

Oh I see, it’s been a long game. All those drinks of Gatorade makes them have to pee. I understand. I’m drinking a bottle myself. Fierce Grape…yum. When I have to pee, I kinda just start losing focus. It’ll drive you insane. You start acting funny. Nothing else matters except for where the bathroom is. And the Sixers have to go to the bathroom, that’s all. No wonder why they take so many quick jumpers. They’re trying to get benched because they actually understand that long jumpers are stupid. Or maybe they think the quicker the possession, the quicker the game will end so that they can handle their business. Just call a timeout and let players go potty. Then, they can focus on the game better.

Their health

Allergies? A virus? Do we have a pill for that? The Sixers may have a medical condition that makes them fail in the 4th.

Just like in the movies

Doug Collins sits his boys down during a timeout

Collins: Hey! What are we doing? Up by 10?

Iguodala: We’re winning. That’s what we’re doing.

Collins: No, this has to stop. If we’re too good, then it’ll mess things up.

Holiday: How?

Collins: (sighs) I want us to sneak in and win the championship like in the movies. Underdog comes in against all odds to win it all. What a story.

Assistant coach Aaron McKie touches Collins’ sweaty shoulder.

McKie: What is this, the 2001 NBA Finals!?

Ok now I know that the Sixers were the best team in the East that year that they made it to the finals. But, they were the underdogs in the Finals. McKie was a player on that team so I just tied it all together. I’m so awesome. Also, I do playwriting as a hobby. So…yeah.

The basketball gods are not pleased

Maybe somebody did something to Swisher the basketball god and now they are cursed to no longer swish. They have been sent to basketball hell where lord Brick reigns forever making everybody there build the world’s tallest building made entirely out of bricks. The only tools they have, are bricks too. The only way the Sixers make it out is if they find the sacred net that was used in the first ever basketball game played on Mars.

Teaching A Basketball Course (3/15/12)

Yeah that’s it! They are putting some sort of training video of what not to do in clutch situations. Clutch course 101: What to and not to do. Seems like they are doing a great job. They should win some sort of “scholar of the year” award for this type of teaching but they would probably find a way to lose the award 2 minutes before receiving it. How unfortunate.

Lose Now; Win Later (3/16/12)

Oh sure, everybody has to lose. So the Sixers are getting theirs out of the way early in order to beat out the “law of averages”. Right? Maybe? Then, in game 7 of the finals and the Sixers are in a close game, they’ll win because they lost so many times and perhaps Swisher the basketball god will have mercy and even out the odds that Sixers lose. And BOOM!!!! NBA championship.

Well that’s all I have for now. As time goes by I’ll think of other stuff and add it here so check back regularly if you enjoyed this post. And again, this was more illogical reasoning of course but hopefully, you feel a bit better about this whole thing. You have any ideas? Hit the comments or even tell me directly on Twitter.

We’re gonna get through this people. We’re gonna make it to the other side. Or we’re going to have to help the team find that sacred net…