Philadelphia 76ers: The great tragedy of Ben Simmons’ fish

He who hath fished too much hath showeth his weakness.

Remember when Shakespeare wrote that line? Me too. Oh, how literature has fallen. One can certainly compare the drudgery of 2020 to a Greek tragedy, and while Shakespeare wasn’t Greek, he was no stranger to tragedy. Enter Ben Simmons.

Simmons is the tragically flawed prince of NBA basketball. The up-and-comer of great renown who, for reasons wholly his own, cannot seem to overcome the one true obstacle to his success — himself. He is stubborn, passive, and struggles to account for his own actions.

Jumper! Jumper! Wherefore art thou jumper?

The tragedy of Ben Simmons’ fish is no tale of insignificance. For it is perhaps the foremost example of Simmons’ inadequacies as leader of the Philadelphia 76ers kingdom. For Simmons cannot properly lead a quest for greatness if he cannot hit the ocean with a fish!

https://twitter.com/BleacherReport/status/1282085234096222209?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1282085234096222209%7Ctwgr%5E&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fbleacherreport.com%2Fphiladelphia-76ers

So, yeah.

Simmons tried to throw a fish back and he missed the ocean. As you can imagine, jokes were a-flyin’. “If Simmons can’t hit the ocean, how can he hit a jumper?” Jokes of that variety. Or the classic, “Simmons fishes with the wrong hand.”

The jokes are funny! I’ve relayed the jokes to friends and family, most of whom have watched Ben Simmons on fewer than five occasions. All found it humorous. The issues start when the line between joke and criticism becomes too hazy to discern, a la this headline.

It’s ESPN — come on, people. We are better than this.

No, Simmons’ failing to properly guide a fish back to water is not an indictment on the mechanics of his jump shot. I repeat, Simmons failing to properly GUIDE A FISH BACK TO WATER is not an indictment on the mechanics of his jump shot. I needn’t say it thrice.

This is a hotbed for silly jokes. It should not become a hotbed for a grand debate on Simmons’ handedness. The fish flopped out. It’s not an uncommon occurrence. Had the fish not flopped out, it’s trip back to the serenity of ocean life would have been significantly less bumpy.

If anything, you can criticize Simmons’ technique for transferring the fish back to water. But this isn’t a fishing blog, nor am I qualified to make it one. I caught a baby shark when I was seven, and that remains my greatest accomplishment in the sport.

To summarize: Fish jokes, good. Serious critiques of Simmons’ ability to accurately place things with his left hand, bad.