Have you heard? LeBron James is in Philadelphia now, his “final decision.” His contract has a player option for a second year, so we (and likely he) still don’t know whether he’ll hang his Nikes up next summer.
But that didn’t stop us from envisioning the inevitable LeBron Retirement Tour and all the swag bags that will come with it.
It’s become custom for teams to give retiring legends a gift. Sometimes, it’s earnest, like when the 76ers had Julius Erving and Kobe Bryant’s high school coach bestow the Mamba a framed Lower Merion jersey. Sometimes, it’s weird, like when the Miami Heat retired Michael Jordan’s number 23 (Jordan, obviously, never played for the Heat). And sometimes, it’s classic cheek, like when multiple teams gave Kareem Abdul-Jabbar a VCR (look it up, kids) to fill his retiree days.
So what would every team give LeBron? We’ve got ideas ranging the whole emotional spectrum. For the sake of order (and since I know you’re gonna fast-forward to your favorite team), let’s go alphabetically.
Atlanta Hawks
2 Chainz presenting a framed record of his collab with James
One of the leading lights of the 2010s Atlanta hip-hop scene, 2 Chainz boasts a career longevity similar to LeBron’s (just ask 2 Chainz himself). The artist and the baller even collaborated on 2019’s Rap or Go to the League, with James serving as the executive producer. The brief ceremony would have just the right amount of Atlanta-ness and sentimentality.
(It would be cooler if it were a gold or platinum record, but sadly, it doesn't appear to have earned a certification for either of those honors.)
Boston Celtics
A piece of the parquet
The Celtics gave a piece of the Garden parquet to Kareem when he retired. They gave a piece of the Garden parquet to Kobe when he retired. Stands to reason that they’ll give LeBron a piece of the Garden parquet when he retires.
There’s sort of a Batman and Joker relationship between James and Boston, although who is who depends entirely upon your point of view. You can’t tell the story of either without mentioning the other. James and the Celtics have had so many run-ins over the years; it makes sense the historic franchise would want to give James a part of themselves.
Brooklyn Nets
Jay-Z presenting LeBron a black Yankees hat
James might not have signed with the Nets or the Knicks, but he’s reportedly planning on living in New York and has long been an avowed pinstripes fan. Receiving a black Yankees hat from the guy who made it more famous than a Yankee did would be a cool moment for fans, even if Jay-Z is no longer affiliated with the Nets.
Charlotte Hornets
A custom Starter jacket with “61” engraved on the back
Everyone of a certain age remembers those sexy Charlotte Hornets Starter Jackets. James’ career high in points is 61, which he scored against Charlotte (then the Bobcats, a fact we’ll conveniently omit) back in 2014.
Sure, it might be a little weird, since James never actually played for Charlotte in any of its iterations. But I’d bet anything that he either owned or desperately wanted to own a Starter jacket when he was a kid. Let’s make James’ dreams come true.
Chicago Bulls
A treadmill
Chicago has been a background figure in James’ whole career. He flirted with playing for the red and black before The Decision in 2010. There is the constant chasing of Jordan for the disputed title of Greatest of All Time. And his once-contemporary Bulls, led by their own MVP in Derrick Rose and supported by nasty, physical teammates like Joakim Noah, Luol Deng, and Carlos Boozer, were a constant thorn in James’ side. They kept him on his toes.
So why not a treadmill, to remind James of all those days spent running with the Bulls? If you read too much into it, you might even think that the treadmill symbolizes James’ inability ever to catch Jordan no matter how hard he sprints. But maybe that’s just me.
Cleveland Cavaliers
A wing of the stadium
Although Cavs fans are undoubtedly disappointed LeBron didn’t return for a third term with his hometown team (yet), I’m not sure there’s a single player as important to a franchise’s history outside of Bill Russell to the Celtics and Jordan to the Bulls. Why not turn part of the concourse into the James wing? Make it a tiny Hall of Fame, but for one player. After so many years there, they won’t be short either memories or memorabilia.
Dallas Mavericks
I don’t care what it is, but have J.J. Barea present it
The Mavericks were the source of LeBron’s most enduring misery, beating James’ favored Heatles in the Finals and sending James into a soul-searching offseason. J.J. Barea was an absolute menace all series, culminating in a famous possession where James passed out of a post-up on the diminutive Barea.
A little good-natured teasing seems in order, and having Barea present whatever knickknack or gewgaw Dallas wants would be a subtle flick on the nose.
Denver Nuggets
A photo of LeBron’s bucket to pass Jordan on the all-time scoring list – with the final score
Way back in 2019, LeBron James clambered over his rival in the GOAT debate on the all-time scoring list against the Denver Nuggets, converting an and-one. James would undoubtedly appreciate the significance of the moment.
Plus, Denver would get the last laugh, as they so often have. The Nuggets are the only team in the league to have beaten James more than they’ve lost to him, and they won on that night, too.
Detroit Pistons
A record player with a recording of his 25-straight-points playoff outburst
One of James’ signature moments came in Game 5 of the 2007 Eastern Conference Finals, when he scored the Cavs’ last 25 points (including all of their points in both overtime periods) to lead Cleveland over the ferocious Pistons. It was one of the most remarkable stretches of basketball played by anyone from any era, and it converted a lot of former James doubters into fans.
James is also a big-time music lover. A nice nod to Motown with a radio recording of his own highlight seems like something he’d enjoy.
Golden State Warriors
3 bottles of Screaming Eagle Sauvignon Blanc, 1 bottle of Harlan Estate Bordeaux
LeBron James and Steph Curry are big-time wine aficionados. Let’s have Curry hand James some expensive bottles: three of a nice gold-hued Screagle and one of a full-bodied Harlan Estate red, to represent the three times Golden State beat the Cavaliers and the one time Cleveland returned the favor (notably coming back from a 3-1 deficit).
Did I spend more time on this than the other 29 items combined? Yes. Am I proud of the multi-tiered symbolism here? Yes. Thank you for asking.
Houston Rockets
A one-way ticket to outer space
Alright, maybe not one way. But after the postseason that LeBron just had against Houston, I’m sure Rockets fans wouldn’t mind firing James right at the sun.
Indiana Pacers
An impressionistic statue of LeBron trying to score on a Roy Hibbert-shaped brick wall titled, “Verticality”
Like the Bulls, Indiana had several memorable playoff battles against LeBron James. James always came out ahead, but Hibbert, Paul George, Lance Stephenson, and many others made him work hard for it, to the point that ESPN once ran an article titled “Roy Hibbert is in LeBron James’ head.”
This would be a fun callback to an awesome era of Eastern playoff basketball (for those of us old enough to remember).
LA Clippers
A banana boat
Speaking of being old, fans of a certain age can’t help but remember the infamous Banana Boat crew. Here’s the photo that launched a thousand conspiracies.
The Clippers can tie their beachy identity to LeBron’s history. Heck, now that he’s finally joined all his other friends in retirement, perhaps they can try to recreate the moment! That’s the sort of fun thing retirees do, right?
Los Angeles Lakers
The Kobe/LeBron puppets from those Nike commercials
Look, LeBron is gonna get all the stuff from the Lakers. He was there for eight seasons and won them a championship. But the puppets might have extra sentimental value for James, a fierce competitor and close friend of the former Laker icon.
In case you were sadly unaware, the puppets were the stars of one of Nike’s last, best ad campaigns, from all the way back in 2009, ahead of what Nike assumed would be an inevitable Cleveland-Los Angeles meetup in the Finals. These commercials were everywhere, a cornerstone of NBA culture at the time. Tracking down and giving these to James for his retirement, on top of all his other forthcoming gifts, would hit all the right emotional notes.
Memphis Grizzlies
A free stay at the Memphis Hyatt
You may remember a few months ago when LeBron James and others made comments about how much they hated staying at the Hyatt in Memphis – comments that weren’t exactly well-received by locals (although James later clarified that he strictly meant the hotel, not the people or city).
Let’s give the man what he doesn’t want. Everything’s better when it’s free, right?
Miami Heat
His #6 in the rafters – and engraved in bronze
It’s sort of assumed around Miami that James will get his jersey retired but won’t get a statue. I’m not so sure he won’t earn himself a bronze lookalike. A frosty exit from the team has seemingly thawed over, and while James only spent four years there, he’s directly responsible for some of the best and most influential teams the NBA has ever seen. He can join his buddy Wade right outside the stadium, although hopefully the team finds a new sculptor.
Milwaukee Bucks
A share of the Green Bay Packers
The Packers are the USA’s only publicly-owned Big 4 sports team, but it’s not quite like buying a share in a normal company. Shares can’t be sold or transferred. They also don’t confer any monetary benefit or percentage of future profits. They do allow you the great pleasure of voting on things like satellite parking lot renovations, however, so that’s fun!
James is a huge NFL fan. I’m sure he’d leap at a chance to get a foot into the ownership game, something he’s publicly pined for in the past, even if it’s not exactly what he was imagining.
Minnesota Timberwolves
An ice-fishing trailer
LeBron isn’t fond of cold winters, but have you seen some of these ice-fishing campers they make today? They’re practically five-star hotels! Furnaces, WiFi, TVs, full kitchens, cameras in the water. They do everything but bring the fish to you.
If James can’t get down with ice fishing in one of these bad boys, there’s no hope for him.
New Orleans Pelicans
The original Pierre the Pelican costume
The original Pierre the Pelican was the stuff of truly twisted nightmares, a bloody-beaked terror designed to horrify children and adults alike (there’s a joke here about the franchise that I’ll kindly sidestep).
James used to be famous for throwing elaborate Halloween shindigs. He might need a tailor, but wouldn’t the OG Pierre be the perfect spooky getup for his next costume party?
New York Knicks
A Madison Square Garden spotlight
I’m not 100% sure how the logistics of this would go. But MSG has been the site of so many of LeBron’s most iconic performances, and he’s expressed his admiration for the venue many times.
We’ve already given LeBron a piece of the Boston parquet, so the floor is out. MSG is known for its stage lighting as much as anything else. Can we carefully wrangle one of the Garden spotlights down to the floor for him? Maybe he can use it to illuminate his (presumably) immaculately manicured backyard.
Oklahoma City Thunder
A Rolex and a handmade rocking chair
OKC was the victim of James’ first championship run. Even given their recent success, they have no fond memories of him. Give him the cliché retirement items, smile tightly, and point him toward the exit.
Orlando Magic
Tickets to Disney World… without the Lightning Lane
The Magic whipped LeBron’s Cavs in the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals, a series in which James scored 49, 44, 41, 37, 35, and 25 points (during a much lower-scoring era). Otherwise, the Magic don’t have a ton of postseason history with LeBron… but Orlando does. The city hosted the Lakers during their bubble championship. While the pandemic days were rough on everyone, hopefully James would have fond memories of his best Lakers season.
That doesn’t mean the Magic need to spring for a Lightning Lane pass, though. Let him sweat it out in those infamous Disney lines for a little bit.
Philadelphia 76ers
A life-size Rocky statue or A cheesesteak from Geno's
Whatever Philly would gift him very much depends on how the next season (or two) goes. Deliver a championship? Let's give him a life-size Rocky statue to symbolize the triumph. Deliver a disappointment? Well, you tried hard, kid. Here's a sandwich.
Phoenix Suns
Golf clubs and a Troon North daypass
LeBron, like so many other NBAers, loves golf. Retirees love golf. Retired LeBron, therefore, will really love golf. It’s simple arithmetic. So what could be better than new clubs and a pass to one of Scottsdale’s nicest courses?
Portland Trail Blazers
A custom inflatable tent and some hiking boots
James has never really struck me as a hiker, but retirement changes us all. Perhaps he’d like to reconnect with the great outdoors? Mt. Hood has some fantastic campgrounds, if he’d like to give a fancy tent (emblazoned with a yellow inflatable crown on top) a try. And it’s hard enough to find good hiking shoes without needing custom-sized boots. Let the Blazers do the heavy lifting. Who knows? Maybe James will become a big-time birder like every other millennial man having a midlife crisis.
Sacramento Kings
A framed photo of his first NBA dunk
The LeBron era began with a 25/6/9 performance (with four steals) in Sacramento. It’s a big enough deal for the Kings that their own YouTube channel posted all the highlights, including his first NBA dunk. Let’s bring it back to where it all began.
San Antonio Spurs
A new air conditioning unit
Remember when the Spurs’ home AC self-destructed in the 2014 Finals? It led to LeBron James cramping up at the end of a pivotal Game 1, turning what was a one-bucket contest into an almost immediate Spurs blowout. (It also launched a battalion of not-entirely-crazy conspiracy theories.)
On a more personal note, I just had to spend my life savings to get a faulty AC replaced. The famously cost-conscious James wouldn’t turn down a free unit, would he?
Toronto Raptors
A key to the city
We have a sense of humor about it all now, right?
We’re a decade away from the “LeBronto” stuff, the “not an adverse situation” stuff, the “run DeMar DeRozan out of town stuff, and the "get a Coach of the Year fired” stuff, right?
Without James continually smacking the Raptors around like a little brother, the Raptors may have never made the all-in move for Kawhi Leonard that resulted in a championship, after all. A key to the city would be a smirking bit of self-deprecation.
(There’s a snowball’s chance in a Toronto July that this happens.)
Utah Jazz
Skis and ski passes
While NBA contracts typically preclude skiing as a high-risk activity, James won’t be hampered by the red tape much longer! Time to hit the slopes. Utah gave similar items to Kobe Bryant back in the day, so why mess with tradition?
Washington Wizards
Commissioned LeBron James Cherry Blossom artwork
I’ll be honest, we’re at the end of the list, and I’ve got nothing. James seems the type to enjoy a portrait, and the Wizards’ Cherry Blossom art remains the best in recent league memory. Can we get someone to paint him next to the Washington Monument or Lincoln Memorial with stylish pink flower petals swirling around? I’m sure it would look fabulous hanging in one of his dozens of bedrooms.
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