On the next season of The Bachelor, 30 NBA teams will compete for LeBron James’ heart. How will the Philadelphia 76ers fair on their journey for a true superstar?
The Bachelor is the greatest show on television. This is simply a fact. Nothing else on television manages to be so horrible yet so entertaining.
This season’s finale made headlines when Arie, the bachelor, chose Becca, changed his mind, called in the producers to film the breakup, and then professed his love to Lauren instead. Every year, ABC touts the finale as the most dramatic ending ever. This year, it actually was.
Other than fantastic, hilarious drama, the series has also seen its share of basketball moments. Like this one, where Corinne uses Michael Jordan as a defense for taking a nap.
Or this one, where the bachelorette Rachel Lindsay shows off her broken jumper before having the guys go through drills.
With thrilling endings and social media drama, the NBA often seems like a reality show. And this summer, as every team battles to sign LeBron James, the league will truly start to feel like a season of The Bachelor.
But how would it play out if every NBA team actually lived in one house together and competed to sign LeBron James? Probably something like this.
Week 1
LeBron is waiting at the bachelor mansion, where every team will live for the next month and a half. He chats with the host of the show, commissioner Adam Silver, about his upcoming journey. Each team will arrive separately on their team buses and attempt to make a memorable impression and pique Lebron’s interests.
First to arrive are the Cleveland Cavaliers, and Lebron is stunned by their beautiful wine and gold uniforms. Kevin Love present LeBron with a plastic crown made for a young child and tells him, We want you to be our King.
When the Philadelphia 76ers arrive, Joel Embiid changes his nickname to “The Journey” after learning the show doesn’t allow contestants to call the competition a “process.” Ben Simmons points up at the moon. You won’t get there by climbing a tree, he tells LeBron.
After each team introduces themselves, they all attend a cocktail party and compete with each other to spend time with LeBron.
The Sixers get their chance and Embiid makes Lebron laugh, but they only get a minute alone before Boston interrupts and asks to have their turn.
Dallas makes a bad first impression, as they only seem capable of talking about Dennis Smith Jr. getting robbed in the Dunk Contest. Other teams question if the Mavs are truly here for LeBron, accusing them of losing on purpose.
LeBron hands out the first impression rose to Houston for having both an elite roster and one of his best friends, Chris Paul. The other teams are disappointed but still hopeful.
At the rose ceremony, LeBron sends home Atlanta, Brooklyn, Chicago, Dallas, Memphis, Orlando, Phoenix, and Sacramento since each of these teams is utterly unremarkable in every way.
Remaining teams: Boston, Charlotte, Cleveland, Denver, Detroit, Golden State, Houston, Indiana, LA Clippers, LA Lakers, Miami, Milwaukee, Minnesota, New Orleans, New York, Oklahoma City, Philadelphia, Portland, San Antonio, Toronto, Utah, Washington
Week 2
The first date card is in: the Sixers have been selected for the first one-on-one date. Lebron takes the team bowling, and luckily no one comes down with a knee injury. After a great day, Lebron gives the Sixers a rose, guaranteeing they advance to week three.
The next date card is for another one-on-one: this time with Utah. Lebron takes the Jazz shopping, where they pick out some new alternate uniforms. We want that one, says Donovan Mitchell, the one that looks like that thing you look at when you decide which color to paint your house.
Rudy Gobert tells LeBron about Utah’s history with polygamy. Lebron thinks about it and decides he could never play for two different teams at the same time. He doesn’t give Utah a rose, and they’re eliminated.
The next date card is for a group date; half of the remaining teams will compete in a banana boat race.
Carmelo Anthony feels he has a lot to prove after being left out of the original banana boat picture of LeBron, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Paul, despite being on vacation with them. With a chip on his shoulder, Carmelo leads Oklahoma City to a victory in the race, and LeBron rewards them with the group date rose.
The final date card is for another group date comprised of all teams that have not had a date yet; these teams will compete to film the best Nike Training Day commercial, graded on plot, teamwork, and number of random children involved.
Somehow, the Raptors end up winning the competition, even though their commercial was just the Hotline Bling music video. Despite Toronto winning, LeBron gives the group date rose to the Heat, who just used LeBron’s original training day commercial already filmed in Miami.
During the cocktail party, tension builds between the Wizards and the other teams, as literally no one in the entire NBA likes Jason Smith.
At the rose ceremony, Lebron sends home Charlotte, Denver, and Detroit. When Charlotte asks Lebron why he didn’t give them a chance, Lebron says I’ll never pass MJ in rings if he gets one every time I get one.
Remaining teams: Boston, Cleveland, Golden State, Houston, Indiana, LA Clippers, LA Lakers, Miami, Milwaukee, Minnesota, New Orleans, New York, Oklahoma City, Philadelphia, Portland, San Antonio, Toronto, Washington
Week 3
To start week three, LeBron takes Cleveland on a one-on-one to Oracle Arena, where they overcame a 3-1 deficit to win the 2016 NBA Finals. This puts LeBron in a great mood, so he gives the Cavs a rose.
LeBron then takes Portland on a one-on-one. LeBron is especially excited to get to know Portland, where his sponsor Nike is headquartered. Not to mention his favorite player of all time, Shabazz Napier, plays for the team.
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The date goes well until LeBron hears that the Blazers have nicknamed the fourth quarter “Dame Time” due to Damian Lillard‘s clutch play down the stretch.
LeBron doesn’t want to be known as a guy who couldn’t get it done in the big moments. He decides it would be better to not give Skip Bayless any more ammunition, so he doesn’t give Portland a rose, sending them home.
Next up is a group date with half of the remaining teams. LeBron takes the group out for a fun day at the ballpark. Everyone is confused when he switches between a Yankees hat and an Indians hat every time the score changes. Since the Yankees won the game, LeBon gives the Knicks the group date rose.
For the final group date, the remaining teams engage in a rap battle. With Lillard already eliminated, the path is clear for Lonzo Ball to carry the Lakers to a win. LeBron is impressed, and he gives them the group date rose.
At the rose ceremony, Lebron eliminates the LA Clippers and Indiana. LeBron reassures the Clippers they have a great city, telling them You’re just like the Lakers, only much worse.
Remaining teams: Boston, Cleveland, Golden State, Houston, LA Lakers, Miami, Milwaukee, Minnesota, New Orleans, New York, Oklahoma City, Philadelphia, San Antonio, Toronto, Washington
Week 4
Once again, the first date is a one-on-one. LeBron takes San Antonio to the library, where each player checks out a non-fiction book of their choice. After, LeBron and the Spurs find a court nearby and practice their layups. This is such an exciting day, Kawhi Leonard shares. LeBron gives San Antonio a rose.
The next date is a group date. Half of the teams compete to see who can come up with the best cryptic tweet about free agency, with bonus points for using the Arthur’s fist meme. Social media guru Joel “The Journey” Embiid puts the Sixers on his back, and LeBron gives Philly the group date rose.
The final group date with the rest of the teams is a Trainwreck watch party. Teams watch the movie and compliment Lebron’s acting. You’re almost as funny as Bill Hader and way funnier than Amy Schumer, Brandon Ingram tells him. LeBron gives the group date rose to the Lakers for owning Hollywood.
During the cocktail party, things get crazy when the Celtics’ ex-star Isaiah Thomas shows up and begs them to take him back. But the Celtics refuse and decide to stay on the show. Later, when Jason Smith continues to be a problem, Carmelo Anthony tells him Don’t do that. I’m not the one.
At the rose ceremony, Lebron says goodbye to Milwaukee and Minnesota.
Remaining teams: Boston, Cleveland, Golden State, Houston, LA Lakers, Miami, New Orleans, New York, Oklahoma City, Philadelphia, San Antonio, Toronto, Washington
Week 5
The first date is a one-on-one with the LA Lakers. LeBron takes the team to a random open field to play pickup football. He dominates, scoring 12 touchdowns from the tight end position. Feeling great about himself, LeBron gives the Lakers a rose.
LeBron then invites the Thunder and Wizards to a two-on-one date. The winner will get a rose, and the loser will be eliminated. He takes the two teams to a scenic walk along the Ohio River. On the date, LeBron quickly realizes that he also doesn’t like Jason Smith, so he gives Oklahoma City the rose and sends Washington packing.
The rest of the teams go on a lovely mini-golf group date. Steph Curry is the only player to shoot under par, and the Warriors earn the group date rose.
At the rose ceremony, LeBron makes some tough decisions. He sends home Miami, New York, and Toronto. Each team wants to know why they couldn’t make it work.
Lebron tells Toronto, You’re perfect for me on paper, but you’re just so boring. He tells Miami, I have a great time with you, but I can’t see a future here. He consoles New York by telling them Honestly, it’s amazing you made it this far.
Remaining teams: Boston, Cleveland, Golden State, Houston, LA Lakers, New Orleans, Oklahoma City, Philadelphia, San Antonio
Week 6
LeBron takes Boston on a one-on-one to the planetarium. Meant to be a good time under the stars, Kyrie Irving instead talked the whole time about how the display shouldn’t be curved since the Earth is actually flat. Irritated, LeBron doesn’t give the Celtics a rose to end the date, and they get eliminated.
The remaining teams go on a group date to Paris, where they go sightseeing and take pictures in front of the Eiffel Tower. The Sixers impress LeBron by having two players (Joel Embiid and Timothe Luwawu-Cabarrot) who speak fluent French. He rewards Philadelphia with the group date rose.
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During the cocktail party, the Cavaliers get jealous of the Sixers’ group date rose, and Jordan Clarkson throws a basketball at Dario Saric. After some yelling back and forth between the teams, calmer heads prevail. But the stakes are getting higher, and teams are starting to feel the pressure.
At the rose ceremony, LeBron sends home New Orleans and Oklahoma City. On the way out, the Thunder’s Russell Westbrook promises to always hold a grudge against Lebron.
Remaining teams: Cleveland, Golden State, Houston, LA Lakers, Philadelphia, San Antonio
Week 7
After receiving the first impression rose but little attention since, Houston finally gets their shot at a one-on-one date with LeBron. LeBron takes the team to a nice dinner. Things go well, but LeBron is grossed out by the amount of food getting stuck in James Harden‘s beard. He decides he has better options and doesn’t give the Rockets a rose.
That night, Golden State comes to LeBron to tell him they’ve been having doubts. We feel like we just aren’t a good match, Draymond Green explains to him. We have different styles, and we’re not ready to make the changes it would take to incorporate you into our lives. We’re happy how we are now. After a long, tear-filled talk, the Warriors decide to leave the show and go home.
There is no rose ceremony this week; all four remaining teams will move on.
Remaining teams: Cleveland, LA Lakers, Philadelphia, San Antonio
Week 8
Hometowns week is finally here. LeBron will get a chance to go to each team’s home city and meet their coaches.
First, LeBron heads to San Antonio. The team takes him on a tour of Alamo landmarks before heading back to the AT&T Center for a nice team dinner at center court. Dinner goes extremely uncomfortably, as coach Gregg Popovich says very little the entire time. However, LeBron does appreciate their shared interest in giving back to the community.
After, he visits LA and goes shopping on Rodeo Drive. LeBron then heads to the Staples Center to meet the coaches. Luke Walton talks about how he was 39-4 with the Warriors, while Lavar Ball, who invited himself to dinner, boasts about his son Lonzo. LeBron feels like he can’t get a word in.
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In Philly, the Sixers take LeBron on a cheesesteak run, and T.J. McConnell buys him some pears from the Italian Market. LeBron also makes a stop at Malvern Prep to see if it would be a good fit for his son, Bronny. Back at the Wells Fargo Center, Brett Brown sells LeBron on the team’s hardworking young core. James leaves conflicted after struggling to understand Brown’s Bostralian accent.
LeBron finishes the week in Cleveland, where he meets with fans. He notes how many people’s jerseys are filled with burn holes and covered in ashes and admires that people wear them anyway. The team ends the night with dinner at Quicken Loans Arena, where Tyronn Lue asks Lebron about his fears for the future, noting his own fear of being stepped over again.
At the rose ceremony, LeBron is confident in his decision. He gives a rose to each team except San Antonio, and Kawhi Leonard tears up as the pain suddenly returns to his quadriceps.
Remaining teams: Cleveland, LA Lakers, Philadelphia
Teams tell all
Adam Silver hosts a talk show with all the teams that have been eliminated. They get a chance to confront both each other and LeBron. Things get way out of hand.
Russell Westbrook won’t stop calling everyone a cupcake. Kyrie Irving keeps spreading conspiracy theories. Kelly Olynyk tries multiple times to rip off Kelly Oubre Jr.‘s arm.
Despite the Jazz only making it to week two, Jae Crowder has taken the rejection personally. Crowder and Westbrook both attack LeBron for not taking a risk on them.
Jason Smith gets attacked throughout the night. A dislike for Smith seems to be the only thing all teams can agree on.
Week 9
Now down to the final three, LeBron and each team gets to spend one night together, alone without cameras, in the fantasy suite. Although the show will never come out and say it directly, we all know what this night entails: contract negotiations.
LeBron is open with each team about overcoming his struggle with commitment. I know I need to settle down, he says, I can’t keep going from one year deal to one year deal.
During the Sixers date, the team question whether the Lakers are ready to compete, citing how young they are. LeBron later asks LA about this concern, and many players break down into tears. We hate when we’re not understood for who we really are, Kyle Kuzma tells LeBron.
This is LeBron’s hardest decision yet, but he decides the Lakers are too young and just aren’t ready to compete for a ring.
At the rose ceremony, LeBron sends home the LA Lakers. It was a tearful goodbye.
Remaining teams: Cleveland, Philadelphia
Week 10
LeBron has no idea who to pick.
He takes each team to meet his agent, Rich Paul, who advises LeBron to join the Sixers, telling him, I see you building a legacy in Philly. But Lebron is conflicted because he’s already told Cleveland he loves them many, many times.
LeBron thinks he knows what he wants, but he has to be sure. To test if he’s making the right decision, he leaks to Brian Windhorst that he plans to stay in Cleveland. People admire his decision to stick things out in Cleveland, but no one is excited about the Cavaliers. He feels like something is missing.
When the day comes to give out the final rose, LeBron instead chooses Philly. Social media goes into a frenzy over this shocking decision. Philadelphia is immediately the favorite in the East.
The Sixers immediately begin building their future around Lebron, and as is tradition on The Bachelor, LeBron leads the team to a ring.
Winner: Philadelphia
After the final rose
In a talk show setting hosted by Adam Silver, LeBron, the Sixers, and the Cavaliers will be asked to share their thoughts on the season.
LeBron and the Cavaliers speak for the first time in months. The Cavs once again burnt his jersey, so the conversation is short and awkward.
The Lakers announce they have quickly moved on from Lebron and are now with Paul George, but no one really cares.
The Sixers then join the stage with Lebron, where they talk about how great things are together. Ben Simmons, Joel Embiid, and LeBron spend every day practicing together and getting acquainted. They can’t wait to make it official once the season finally starts.
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To close out the season, Adam Silver announces the next bachelor: Klay Thompson.